I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Randomize
