The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
