I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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