Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
