Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize