I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
