guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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