nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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