Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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