I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
