my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
