HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
