hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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