Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
