Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
