I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
This toilet bowl is my home.
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