i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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