My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
