I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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