Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
