I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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