The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
