moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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