Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
