I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
