i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
zippers are such a cool invention
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
