Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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