Kiss
Puke
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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