gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
