Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
