So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
being pregnant is like rehab
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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