I think im going to throw up on grandma
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
