I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
