i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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