Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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