I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
