I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
