6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
