Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
