I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
