i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Sorry my hands just texted you
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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