so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
