if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
