someone get that fucking seahorse.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
