I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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