I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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