Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
