I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
This toilet bowl is my home.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
