Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
