Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
