the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
