Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
