and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
