You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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