I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
