it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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