She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
