I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I AM VODKA MAN
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
