it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
