Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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