I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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